Underneath the Headphones October 17, 2008

If you’re listening to the right music, you can almost just close your eyes and pretend you’re somewhere else.

Visiting a foreign country.

Climbing your favorite tree.

In your lover’s arms.

Heaven.

I am sitting in Martin’s Deli/Starbucks Cafe. It’s a grocery store. And I’m listening to Iron & Wine, somehow thinking that if I turn it up loud enough, I won’t hear the rustle of paper and plastic, the beeping of a cell phone, the group of women talking politics, the cleaning woman who already wants to sweep this area (should I tell her I’ll be here for a few hours?)

I’m supposed to be writing right now, but I’m not feeling inspired. Just thought I’d let you know.

p.s.

there’s something wrong with the “o” on my keypad. i dare you to count, just from this blog, how many times that’s pissed me off just in the past few minutes. UGH.

rain, rain, don’t go away. come again and again day after day. October 8, 2008

It’s gloriously rainy today, and for those of you who know me well, you know – this is my happy place.

I’m thinking about making another “rain” mix.

Strange how hard it rains now ….

I feel like I haven’t really let my blog get to know me very well, and suddenly, in this moment, with the rain falling down, I want to tell it all my secrets and dreams and fears and hopes. What is it about the rain that makes me long to be known? Understood? Held?

Rows and rows of big dark clouds …

I am a holder of big, dark clouds.  People come to me, describe these clouds, put them in my hands. I try to get them to let go of the umbrella. Look up. Tell me what you see now. When you block out the rain, you miss the moments of bright sunshine too …

When I’m holding on underneath this shroud …

What they may not know is that I hide too. A lot of times when I should be out running in the rain, I prefer the desperate search for shelter.

Now, where are my running shoes? Hmmmm ……………..

a little of this, a little of that … September 26, 2008

Here are some random things that have been going on in my world lately:

I spent the second week of this month with my family in Maine. This is the fourth time we’ve been to this location together, and quite possibly the last. This year was extra special for me as my fiance Brian was able to join us for the trip. I loved spending time with everyone in my family, but it was especially wonderful to spend a week with my precious niece and nephew who I don’t get to see very often:

Here are a few pics from the trip:

When Brian and I returned to Indiana after two full days in the car, we were delighted to find a special engagement present from my dear friend/roommate/maid of honor, Jodi – it’s going to be our cake topper! Take a look:

Earlier this week, I was able to go to Columbus to see The Swell Season (Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova’s band) in concert. It was pretty much AMAZING, bookended with an amazing unplugged (literally) version of “say it to me now,” and a Frames sing-a-long. There aren’t words.

In other news:

I read several books on vacation, and the one that I was reading on the way home (and continue to read) is called Soul Cravings by Erwin McManus. I am loving it. It inspires me to write shorter chapters …or “entries.” (It inspires me in other ways too, but you get my point).

Last week, I had one of THOSE days as a counselor – I won’t bore you with all the details (not to mention, I’m not really allowed to give details), but basically I just started thinking that I suck at counseling. I’m not looking for affirmation here, and I’m basically over this, but I’m definitely needy for the Lord’s reminders of Truth lately. It was an incredible blessing to have Brian hold me and pray with me the night that I felt particularly low. I love how he leads me to Him!

I started the book of Jeremiah this week. It’s the longest effing book of the Bible. So I’ll let you know how that turns out ……in several MONTHS.

I might be picking up another part-time job. I won’t give any more details at this time, but please pray that Brian and I will have wisdom as we make these decisions.

Also, we need a car. Desperately.

Earlier today, I was listening to a recording of this women’s ministries thing where I spoke, and I actually liked the sound of my voice! It was the strangest thing, but you know how weird it is when you listen to a recording of your own voice? (You never told me I sounded like THAT?!?) Well, today I had a breakthrough. I liked my voice. No. I think it’s safe to say: I love my voice.

My childhood best friend contacted me this week via facebook. The things she remembers about me – WOW.

Finally, I like bacon. I have never liked bacon before, but lately I’ve been craving it a lot. Is that normal?

Tomorrow is Friday. And that is a good thing all around. Sweet dreams, friends!

If God were a group of WOMEN September 18, 2008

There are moments in life that we all want to somehow pause, freeze, savor in slow-mo.

I had one last night, for which I am very grateful.

I sat with a small group of women, and for a few hours I could almost swear that God was a group of four women. We laughed a lot and told inappropriate jokes (inappropriate for whom?), we delighted in changing bodies and tasty food. We celebrated literature and art and the Artist. We cried, and then laughed at ourselves some more. We even took risks of reaching out and touching each other from time to time.

There is Teacher who tells excited stories about sixth graders, and uses her beautiful hands to speak, making me wonder if those hands have a different twitch for each student. When something is especially vulnerable, she goes back and forth between a practical whisper and a shout, between slow and fast, and she sinks into the couch lower and lower, but we can still feel her beauty. She prays mostly with her eyes open, and I wonder what she’s looking at, and if she can see Her.

There’s Pastor who embraces all her emotions beautifully, and shares them with freedom. Her heart is pricked by a book or a song, and there is so much life inside her … you’d almost think she had an extra human growing there all along – most people never come close to REALLY LIVING the way she does. We decorate the olive in our minds, and wonder about gender as much as we wonder about God’s. She teaches us about gratitude and leads the way in learning to praise Him.

Foxy hosted us this time, and she comes alive in this role. Busting out chopsticks and Alanis Morisette, and white cloth napkins, and making jokes about divorce. She unveils her artistry all over the place, and talks about loving to be in a classroom again. She’s learning textbooky things and more transcendent things as well. She’s teaching all the while – whether she knows it or not. Teaching about hearing from Her, and speaking to Her. God, why have You allowed us to see such beauty? Your glory shines through so bright, I almost have to look away. But no, damnit! I won’t.

Best Friend (in the platonic way, she reminds me – thanks God for letting us have “new best friends” in the soul mate way AT THE SAME TIME) – she is hilarious, and I love watching people celebrate her facial expressions and her jokes and the way (like her mom) she totally misses something but then laughs beautifully at herself. I’ve known this girl for so long, but watching people look at her with newness and novelty reminds me how lucky I am to have her in my life. She’s been so patient with me. I adore her for that. And she has an ability to speak truth with tact more than most people I’ve EVER met. You’ll recognize her at the cafeteria – she’ll be the one loving each person who enters.

Maine. September 7, 2008

It’s basically Autumn here, and it’s lovely.

The Hermiz clan is having a great time so far, but we’re out in BFE, so I’ll be basically disconnected this week.

Brian and I drove into Ellsworth today to sit in this frigid Dunkin Donuts and hang out on our laptops.

We’ll be driving back to the house shortly to eat some yummy salmon that my bro Dan is cooking up, and then God only knows when I’ll get another opportunity to “connect.”

Hope all is well with my loved ones in the Midwest.

Love, me.

I Believe. August 28, 2008

As sung by Blessed Union of Souls

Walk blindly to the light and reach out for his hand
Don’t ask any questions and don’t try to understand
Open up your mind and then open up your heart
And you will see that you and me aren’t very far apart

cause I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way

Violence is spread worldwide and there are families on the street
And we sell drugs to children now oh why cant we just see
That all we do is eliminate our future with the things we do today
Money is our incentive now so that makes it okay

But I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way
I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way

Ive been seeing lisa now for a little over a year
She said shes never been so happy but lisa lives in fear
That one day daddy’s gonna find out shes in love
With a nigger from the streets
Oh how he would lose it then but she’s still here with me
cause she believes that love will see it through
And one day he’ll understand
And he’ll see me as a person not just a black man

cause I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way
I believe I believe I believe I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way
Love will find the way
Love will find the way
Love will find the way
Please love find the way
Please love find the way

The Bling August 27, 2008

Here is my beautiful engagment ring. The six smaller diamonds on the sides are from Brian’s grandmother’s 50th wedding anniversary ring. Thanks Kate!

I love you, Brian Andrew. Thanks for the sparkle!

engagement ring

Betrothed August 25, 2008

(Brian’s comments are in red)

It was a Sunday morning, and we were headed into the day as we normally would. I was in the bathroom getting ready, and feeling stressed about my appearance; Brian was catching up on the latest news via the internet. (She looked as beautiful as she always does..)

I had a hunch earlier in the week that on this particular Sunday, August 24^th, exactly three months after our reunion, we might be getting engaged. Brian knew I was suspecting … (And to be honest.. I was pretty pissed that she suspected something. I thought that I had kept it pretty close to the vest.)

We went to church at Central Vineyard, went for a drive down High St. so that Brian could reminisce a bit … (O-H!!) and then we went to his parent’s house, where Brian told me we would be having lunch. When we arrived, he took me downstairs, where I discovered a surprise candlelight lunch, complete with a rose, a card, nice china, sparkling grape juice, cheese fondu, and strawberries and cream for desert. (All the credit for putting this together goes to my Mom.. she really came through on this!!) It looked lovely, and I thought for sure I was about to get engaged.

As we sit down, Brian looks at me sadly and says, “OK, to be honest, I really wanted to give you a ring this weekend, but I don’t have it with me right now.” (And it was TECHNICALLY true.. I DID want to get engaged that weekend.. and I DID NOT have the ring with me AT THAT MOMENT..)

WOAH.

I felt slightly disappointed in the moment, but the look on his face made me realize that he was deeply sad (Apparently, I’m a good actor) that he couldn’t give the ring to me, so I reassured him that it was ok, and that I was delighted by the surprise lunch, which was simply to celebrate three months. I began to tell him that indeed, I had suspected we would be getting engaged this weekend, but I didn’t press further, and neither did he. We just enjoyed our lunch, and went on with the day like it was a normal day …

Watched an episode of West Wing. Made out a little. Napped a little. Went to the library. He had asked me earlier in the week if we could go to Dunkin Donuts & Beechcroft High School on this day, so we set out to do those things just for fun. (I had been doing some prep-work to make sure it wasn’t suspicious when we actually went to those places)

(Backstory: We went to Dunkin Donuts all the time in high school, and we also spent quite a bit of a time in that high school parking lot close to our house, where we would, ahem …park.) (It was more than just a make out spot… We had some great talks and prayer times in that parking lot as well)

So we’re sitting at Dunkin Donuts, playing cards, and enjoying the day, when I say to him, “maybe we can skip the parking lot thing. It’s just really hot out today.” He sort of whines a bit, saying he really wanted to, and maybe we should read some Psalms while we’re there.

Ok, fine.

When we walked out of Dunkin Donuts, it was significantly cooler, so we drove over to the high school. He set out the blanket and I played my Over the Rhine mix. We slow danced, as usual. He read Psalm 23. And then he said, “Maybe you can read something too. How about Hebrews? Like maybe chapter 10 since its our favorite?” (hint, hint)

I slowly skimmed through the Bible, and when I finally got to Hebrews 10, there it was! A beautiful engagement ring tied to the ribbon bookmark inside! Hebrews 10:24 was underlined, which says, “And let us consider how to spur one another on toward love and good works.” On the side margin Brian had written, “for the rest of our lives.”

Brian got on one knee, and right then it began to rain. I exploded in an outburst of emotion that I have never experienced – half laughing hysterically, half weeping. He said some sweet things, and asked me to marry him. I muffled “yes” underneath my emotional cries (which he later told me I said “I guess”). (Actually, I knew that she had said “yes,” but it sounded like “I guess,” which is just funny)

We stood there holding each other in the pouring rain for a while, and then decided to depart, where he said we needed to stop by his parent’s house (obviously!) (I had one last surprise for her in the day!.. and it hinged on just stopping by my parents’ house to show them the ring..)

When we arrived, I received my third and final surprise for the day! My parents and oldest brother Matt were there, along with all of Brian’s family. We had a wonderful meal together, and both Brian’s dad and my dad prayed for us, as we stood in a circle holding hands.

Then we were off to Indiana.

P.S. The ring is BEAUTIFUL and I will post pictures of it as soon as I can!

Yes, that’s the BOOK for me … August 21, 2008

For weeks, I have been paralyzed by not wanting to read the Bible. And I’ve been sort of embarrassed by that.

(but now i’m blogging about it – hello freedom!)

And then today I discovered something that blessed me in a twisted way.

Sahih Muslim is a collection of sayings and deeds of Prophet Muhammad. Book 17, Number 4206:

There came to him (the Holy Prophet) a woman from Ghamid and said : Allah’s Messenger, I have committed adultery, so purify me. He (the Holy Prophet) turned her away. On the following day she said : Allah’s Messenger, Why do you turn me away ? Perhaps, you turn me away as you turned away Ma’iz. By Allah, I have become pregnant. He said: Well, if you insist upon it, then go away until you give birth to (the child). When she was delivered she came with the child (wrapped) in a rag and said : Here is the child whom I have given birth to. He said : Go away and suckle him until you wean him. When she had weaned him, she came to him (the Holy Prophet) with the child who was holding a piece of bread in his hand. She said : Allah’s Apostle, here is he as I have weaned him and he eats food. He (the Holy Prophet) entrusted the child to one of the Muslims and then pronounced punishment. And she was put in a ditch up to her chest and he commanded people and they stoned her. Khalid b Walid came forward with a stone which he flung at her head and there spurted blood on the face of Khalid and so he abused her. Allah’s Apostle (may peace be upon him) heard his (Khalid’s) curse that he had huried upon her. Thereupon he (the Holy Prophet) said: Khalid, be gentle. By Him in Whose Hand is my life, she has made such a repentance that even if a wrongful tax-collector were to repent, he would have been forgiven. Then giving command regarding her, he prayed over her and she was buried.

This saddened me to the point of almost weeping and I was drawn back to the book I had been resisting …

John 8:

1Jesus went unto the mount of Olives.

2And early in the morning he came again into the temple, and all the people came unto him; and he sat down, and taught them.

3And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst,

4They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.

5Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?

6This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not.

7So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.

8And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground.

9And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst.

10When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?

11She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.

WOW. That’s one of my favorite parts.

Thank You.

22 Albums I Would Not Have Survived The Past Decade Without (don’t end a sentence in a preposition) August 20, 2008

1. Miles Davis – Kind of Blue
2. Sigur Ros – Takk …
3. Over the Rhine – Drunkard’s Prayer
4. Rosie Thomas – If Songs Could be Held
5. Derek Webb – She Must and Shall Go Free
6. Eliza Lumley – She Talks in Maths (Interpretations of Radiohead)*
7. Evanescence – Fallen
8. The “Once” Soundtrack
9. Joni Mitchell – Blue
10. Over the Rhine – Live from Nowhere, Volume Two
11. Justin Timberlake – Future Love/Sex Sounds
12. Maroon 5 – Songs about Jane
13. Counting Crows – August and Everything After
14. Jennifer Knapp – Kansas
15. Nicole Nordeman – Brave
16. Linkin Park – Hybrid Theory
17. Norah Jones – Come Away With Me
18. The Cranberries – Everybody Else is Doing It, So Why Can’t We?
19. Plumb – candycoatedwaterdrops
20. Patty Griffin – Living with Ghosts
21. Sarah McLachlan – Fumbling Towards Ecstasy
22. Waiting for Iris – Waiting for Iris

*A current favorite.

So …what was THE album for you of the past decade? Not just popular albums, or “well-done” albums, but the one that helped you BREATHE???